I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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