there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Im part way to drunk.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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