Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
