Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
