On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
