dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
