So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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