if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
