You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
