i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
