my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
