Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
