she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
