I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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