You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
