So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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