Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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