the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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