i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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