This is not my ceiling
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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