HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
