he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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