: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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