Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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