Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
