he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
