If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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