yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
