Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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