Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
