Quick, to the slutcave!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He did a backflip because drugs
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
