If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
