there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
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that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
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You pole danced in your parka.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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