wat bout pragnant strippers??
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
