why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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