im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
