I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
