Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
