Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
