my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
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Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
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He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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