I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
