I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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