You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
literally had 100 drinks last night.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
