3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
