I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
