The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
