If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
