he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
