Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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