So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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