Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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