i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
