He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Randomize
