so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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